Author Kyle Perkins

It’s the golden age of television, almost.

While there are amazing shows on TV like Mr. Robot, Humans, The Walking Dead, The Leftovers, and Silicon Valley, there is something darker on television hiding in plain sight. Something absolutely diabolical.

That something of course, is Manbearpig.

I’m just kidding. It’s actually reality TV.

So, for the first time in I’d say maybe five years, I sat down and binge watched reality TV for the last week. I took that bullet so that you don’t have to. I am sort of like Jesus in that way. (Hold the applause until the end please)

When did we as a nation, such a PC nation nowadays mind you, decide that exploitation should be a TV genre? As I watched these shows, I became less and less active, bordering on depressed, and it wasn’t until I analyzed the shows, that I realized why.

It’s fucking sad.

I’ll stop rambling, sorry. ADD and all.

Take Hotel Hell for instance.

Haha, he’s an alcoholic on the verge of losing his business! Top kek!

In this show, Fox sends in their indentured servant, Gordon Ramsay, to lend a hand in helping people get their failing businesses back on track to make a profit, and to save families from financial ruin. Who are they actually helping? Well, Fox. Certainly not the business owners. They are simply being exploited and immortalized in the lowest point in their lives, and the footage is edited to make them look like an asshole as much as possible, and Gordon Ramsay their savior. How do I know this isn’t actually helping the business owners? Well, Ramsay’s track record, for one.

In his other show, based on the exact same premise, except with kitchens, instead of hotels(because once Fox finds a formula that works, they lock their jaw around it and never let go), the success rate of Ramsay’s interventions are next to nothing.

That’s not the worst part, though. It’s that the networks think that everyone is stupid. Take a laugh track for instance. It’s supposed to create a Pavlovian cue for you to laugh, because this part is funny, right? So, you laugh and just assume it’s funny because other people are laughing, and laughter is infectious. It’s the same for reality TV, except they use sappy music in the background when you’re supposed to cry, tense music when you’re supposed to be on edge, and goofy music when you’re supposed to laugh.

It’s sad right now, cry you fucking retards. – Fox Broadcasting Company, every time you watch one of their shows.

The show “Intervention,” is even worse. They actively let people get behind the wheel while trashed, all in the name of ratings. Could they maybe call a cab for the person on their show? Sure, but would you be as entertained?

Her: “Cn yu dri4vw?” Camera man: “But I’m holding the camera, you see.”

Now they have a show called “Home Free,” which has people competing to win their hero… you’ll never see this coming… a free home. It’s hosted by Tim Tebow, for some fucking reason, and revolves around sappy stories meant to make you cry and care for the participants as they battle to win their hero a home, and to the ones that don’t win? Well, fuck them I guess.

Your hero gave you a liver, Timmy? Boo fucking hoo. You better hoof it.

That’s what TV is now. Unless you have an emotionally scarring and sad background story, who gives a shit? We want to feel better about our lives from watching your even shittier lives. Am I right, America?

To even qualify for shows like American Idol, and America’s Got Talent, you need to check off that you’ve been set on fire at least once in your childhood.

There are no less than four shows about midgets on TLC. Btw, that used to be an abbreviation for “The Learning Channel,” until they just up and dropped the fucking act(PS: I know that they prefer to be called little people, but TLC literally wants you to watch and laugh at MIDGETS).

HAHAHAHAHA Look at them trying to do regular people stuff. LOL

Lifetime, don’t even get me started on them. Just look at this shit.

Who are they marketing to exactly?

I mean, what in the fuck is that? I thought Lifetime was a channel for women. Does Lifetime think that all women are exploitative assholes?

Sick of laughing at midgets? Say no more, fam! We also have the fattest fucks we could find!

“I’m just so tired of eating” *pauses to eat while network masturbates feverishly*

Haha, they’re all going to die of heart attacks soon. Good, wholesome, family entertainment! These are people literally on the verge of death, and we all just keep clapping, and as long as we do, the film keeps rolling, because fuck these people in particular, right?

Which brings me to the Bachelor/Bachelorette.

“So, like, I’m 23 and totally giving up on dating, and like, need ABC to find me a man.”

These shows, are about several perfect strangers all fighting over the same man/woman that they are encountering for the first time ever, in front of a thousand cameras, over the span of a couple weeks, to find that special someone that the first 20+ years of their life didn’t yield. Because, I mean, who knows you better than a broadcasting company? ABC has the contestant’s best interests at heart, and truly want them to find love. That’s why they all last afterwards.

My point is, while we have amazing shows like Game of Thrones on TV right now, why is there even a market for this shit? Is this all a ploy to make America less sympathetic to other people’s problems? More ignorant? Is this why Donald Tru– never mind.




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