Author Kyle Perkins

Bizarre Interviews with Kyle Perkins-Special Reader Edition.


Today I thought I’d switch gears for a second. A reader contacted me wondering how I would approach one of these with a reader, and how it might be different. Guess we’ll find out together. Welcome, Maria Weeks!

Question 1: Okay, this is where I usually ask people what they write, so I suppose I should ask you what you read. Well?
Is it too boring to say anything? I like dark stories, something that makes me pull my kindle away and say WTF to myself….but generally I’ll take a poke at anything.
Question 2: You’ll take a poke? I like you already. So, have any favorite characters? Which two characters would you let spit roast you if they were real?
Ooooooo, That’s easy! Keltor from Jennifer Sage’s Guardian Archive series (he wears a kilt, easy access)! And Monte coz I can keep saying his name and shit would get serious!!!!!
Question 3: Do you ever visualize characters looking like the authors that created them? For me, if I know what the author looks like, I imagine them as the protagonist in their books.

No, I like to let my imagination run wild, some of the characters are hairy arsed bikers or serial killers and the authors are beautiful…..I don’t want to close my eyes and see a blond haired, blue eyed writer, I want my hairy arsed biker ?????

Question 4: Do you have any authors that you really want to meet? What would you do if you met them?
Too many! And I’d probably pee in my pants a little bit! I’m on Jennifer Sage’s street team, so meeting her would be a dream……I’d love to go out on the lash with her! Pepper Winters, Ashleigh Zavarelli, Allix Booth…..You! I’m a grade A stalker, honestly, I think I’d be struck dumb…….but definitely a night drinking and talking shit!
Question 5: In the indie community, there are no real restrictions on what’s put out into the world; have you ever just read something and been like “what the fuck?”

YES! Sometimes because, honestly, I’m being educated! I’m no wall flower, I’ve got a big mouth and an open mind, I’ve read books that have warnings and disclaimers and I’m shocked that some of the subject matter is real and out there. Other times I’m just wondering what the hell is going through someone’s head when they decide to write some of the weird and macabre stuff I see……but you know what, it’s all good, we are all entitled to enjoy whatever we want, no harm, no foul!

Question 6: If your mom was to read some of the stuff you’ve read, how embarrassed would you be?

I think the most extreme books my mum ever read would be Mills and Boon……she’d have a fucking fit if she saw what I read…..probably scrub my eyes with soap and bang on about me being a mother and setting an example……would I be embarrassed? No, I’m a big girl now, and I would NEVER hide my kindle when she comes to visit, how sad would that make me! ?

Question 7: Bet you’d hide your browser history, though. Have you ever fantasized about a character from a book you’ve read, while having sex?
No, I have enough fantasies walking around the house, in work, shopping….sex is about me and my guy!
Question 8: Already lying this early in the interview. Shame. Do you have any other hobbies outside of reading?
Hahaha! We ladies like to have some secrets….cheeky boy! Cooking, again, boring! But I love to cook, there’s something very satisfying about looking in the fridge and seeing next to eff all in there but managing to put dinner on the table!
Question 9: Do you think Queen Elizabeth reads smut? If so, which genre of smut?
Oh Yes! Only mild smut…..Jilly Cooper….Riders, it’s set in Horsey land….I bet Phillip loves when she Tally Hoes into the bed room after reading a few chapters ??????
Question 10: You have been reported to the queen for treason, she is my aunt. Enjoy your time in the tower of London. Who would you rather bang, Obama or Prince Harry?
Ha! I’ll get my kicks with the Beefeaters! That is no contest…Prince Harry all day long, I bet he’s hung like a Bleddy Donkey! I’m betting he doesn’t Come either…..he arrives!
Question 11: Now that we have confirmed that you are a racist, let’s move onto something else. What was your worst first date?

Hahaha! Hey, we Gingers stick together pal! My worst first date…..bloody hell, I was a MOD back in the day, met up with my date and he invited me to go to the local hangout, his ex turned up and we ended up beating the shit out of each other…..good times!

Question 12: I have heard that books are like porn for women, and they like to imagine scenarios, whereas guys just want to watch a scene. So do you have any rituals before you read a book? Do you close the blinds, light some candles, and make a day of it until your wrist hurts?

Hahahaha…..I read everywhere, usually the kids are around so no wrist action! BUT my favourite place to read is in the bath…..and how long I stay in there depends on how “good” the scene is……it has been known on occasion, for my other half to shout up and see if I’ve drown!!!! There are times when I walk out limp wristed!!!!!!

Question 13: You misspelled “favorite.” My wrist hurts now after the bath visual, but I think I will recover. What’s the most embarrassing thing you’re a fan of?
Darts! It’s such a “bloke” thing……beer, fat belly’s, rowdiness…..I love watching it…..I wanna be there….drinking, shouting abuse…..throwing some “Good Arrows”!!!!!
Question 14: What is one character you’d bring to life if you had the power to? Also, which character would you prevent from coming to life?
Right, I’d love to bring Mr Darcey to life, Christ, what wouldn’t I give to get inside his big boy breeches….especially as he looks like Colin Firth ? makes me all floopy just thinking about it….
Who would I stop coming to life?
Nathan from Deadly Dominance by Adam Reece and Alexia Vice! I bloody loved the book but Nathan needs to stay on the page, the man is a fucking loony toon and would be a menace to society ….. ?
Question 15: Last question. Would you look at life in a men’s prison as a punishment, or opportunity?
OMG! PMSL! Have you watched any of the real life prison programs aired in the UK…..fuck a duck! No thank you! That would be my idea of purgatory ….. You’d be lucky to find a man with teeth who knew what a bar of soap was let alone used it……unless you know of a prison where all the inmates looked like Michael Scofield????

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