Bizarre Interviews with Kyle Perkins-Week 18.

By Kyle Perkins

Alright, it’s been a while since we’ve done one of these, but I hope our guest today makes up for that.

Please give a round of applause for Andrew Mackay!!! (I’m jk. Don’t, no one can hear you.)

Question 1: So, who are you and what do you write?

I’m Andrew. A screenwriter and former college and high school teacher. I write predominantly dark humor and satire, but they bend towards different genres more often than not. I should also say that my first two books are best sellers.

Question 2: What genres do you bend to? I mean that as non sexually as possible. We’ll get to the sex stuff.
I’ve written five books for the In Their Shoes series now. it’s a Brit humor/satire about a journalist who spends the day with different professions. In the third book, The Model, it bends toward horror
Joy Attwood, the lead, ends up gatecrashing a supermodel party and ends up really, really regretting it.

The Artist, Book IV, is more of a espionage/spy thriller as she joins a gang of vandals who, in turn, are working with Parisian Arab contacts to pull off a…. well, I won’t spoil it. It’s all topical, all timely, and very relevant to today’s issues and societal challenges.

My new book out next week, Book V The Nurse, is a gross-out, slapstick farce about the health service in the UK. Straight up gross-out, nasty comedy – but always with a human touch
Question 3: So you’re like the Saturday Night Live/South Park of authors, then?

I think that’s a good comparison. Somewhere between Chris Morris, South Park and Hunter Thompson gonzo documentary. Also the series is meta, and self reflective. The books actually exist in the world the series takes place in. For e.g. In The Artist, Jake Priestley, the artist in question, as read book I, II and III. There’s frequent mentions to how well the books do on Amazon and how popular Joy is becoming, having started from nothing at book I. In fact, perhaps in Book VI, which I’m starting to write tomorrow, it’s entirely feasible Joy could write about that…. maybe.

Question 4: Your books break the fourth wall, and the story lines exist in our world and theirs?

Yes, that’s right. They exist both in reality and fiction. I do a careful job of blurring that line. In The Artist, the Eiffel Tower makes an apperance, but some of the street names are fictitious. Or, to take another example, in Birmingham UK, there’s a shopping centre called The Bull Ring, I renamed it The Bull Pen. So, they are slight fabrications sometimes, outright truth at other times, and complete fiction for the rest. The Nurse takes place at a hospital called Shotterlay, which doesn’t exist, but the freeway M602 does exist. And so on… The books need to appear to be real, but also hyper-real – so if it is fiction, then it seems like it isn’t. If that makes sense?

Question 5: Makes sense. Like a parallel world right next to ours. Brushing in and out of our reality. Pretty cool. I do that a lot, too. So, Jolene tells me that you wrote for a TV show, what was that like?

I haven’t written directly for a TV show – never really ventured in that direction. I had an idea back in 2000 that was very similar to, and could well have inspired, the TV show Monk. But I can’t prove access lol – it’s probably a massive coincidence, you know, when one person has an idea – fifteen people have the same one. It’s just that I had the idea four years before Monk did. A detective with OCD. Irony and comedy in its purest form. But I do write screenplays, and have had two produced, and script doctor/polish for others – more often than not uncredited and just take the money.

Question 6: You mean like the entire MC genre? AYYYYY. So does writing screenplays get you access to hot actresses?

No, the beauty of being a writer is that you are cocooned away from the world and complete and utter fuckheaded wankers who vacuum your time with their tiresome bullshit, and can sit in your underwear and write unabated. As for hot chicks, I’ll chewed my way through enough of them when I was at college and in my twenties. I’m 38 now, and have the constitution, world weariness and wherewithal of a 160 year-old. And maybe three of the perversions that come with that description.

Question 7: My favorite part about being an author is that I am cocooned away from the world. Fuck going outside. People are out there. So you chewed your way through hot women in your 20’s and just retired? I probably should too at this point, since manspreading is basically considered rape to some people. I wouldn’t even know how to date people in 2017. I’d probably assume their gender incorrectly and end up in the gulags.
Manspreading?Interesting. In the UK we call it Mainsplaining. I am an antisocial justice warrior
I think I can answer your question with an illustration that appears in The Nurse…. ready?
Satire. In The Nurse, a patient comes in and demands to be referred to by their own pronoun. The irony is, this man/woman/thing (mostly a woman trying to be a man) has come in because she/he/it was kicked in the balls – funny that, how your non-binary gender preference doesn’t protect you so much when you’ve been kicked in the balls.
Also, in The Model… we have a character called…. (drum roll)…

Mannequiod – the fashion industry’s response to social justice. He is both a man and a woman, and yet he is neither. You can dress it up as female, male, cigenders, etc…. but if you ask it to perform its scan function, it malfunctions and calls everyone a fat cunt.

Irony is a huge part of my work, as I hope is now evident. The cornerstone of good, provocative comedy and commentary.
Question 8: Perfect, I think we’re going to get along swimmingly. However, now I have to know… How much hate mail do you get? I make a funny status and have a swarm of SJWs whining, I couldn’t imagine what writing a book dedicated to shitting on these new bullshit social standards being forced on us would do.

I am a natural provocateur. I love to fight and argue. I love to offend and make people think. Surely the best way to do that is with words. As and when I get some SocJusTw@ come to me, my opening remark is “Ever notice how they butt in and don’t let others speak” just to set out my response so that when they inevitably bust a nut and interrupt me, they end up proving my point. A few weeks ago someone hit me on facebook. I went hog wild on the cunt, enlisted all my gang, and we tore him to shreds, rolled up whatever fleshy part could be folded, smoked him, punched the ashes, then hosed the cunt down the drain with streams of hot, recently-smegms-infused piss. Never heard from the cunt again after that. Save for ONE little dig out of nowhere. He said “yeah right, best selling author!” To wit, I provided evidence that I was and instructed him to perform a trombone on his father. Do you know what a trombone is, Kyle?

*At this point, I explained that we call it a rusty trombone over here in Murica*

Excellent. We may well be kindred spirits afterall
I fall into that weird position of being fairly well educated and literate – yet also extremely immature, nasty and quite violent.
Question 9: Seems that we fall into the same category. I am always provoking my sensitive and whiny friends list, with all of my disgusting CIS white male privilege. Maybe someday we can tag team some whiny twat and become cock cousins. So, if you had to fuck one, which would you choose? A fifth wave feminist, or a “they took er jobs” Trump supporter?
Tough question, that. 
*At this point, it took him a few to answer*
I think I’d take a chainsaw to them both, tear them in half, stitch the top end of the Trump support (bigger tits) and bottom half of the fifth wave feminist (invariably tighter ass) together with metal staples – hook the result up to a 35k electricity pylon, attach its ears to the clips, and zap the cunt black while balls deep in its vagina. At least it would fry the sperm if nothing else so that Wakenstein abortion wouldn’t get pregnant. Wankenstein* I meant. Wank over here means to jack off which, ironically, would be my first choice.
Question 10: Graphic. I like it. So at what age did you realize you were fed up with people as a whole?

When that fucking doctor grabbed my head and said “Push, Mrs Mackay! Push! I can see the head!” Cunt. I’ve met right now more people than most meet in three lifetimes. I’d say 91% of the people I’ve ever met suck cock. That sounded wrong. I don’t mean they’re heterosexual women or homosexual men. As in “they’re nasty, selfish people who aren’t worth my time.” But I tell you, those remaining 9% are fucking awesome. I would take a bullet for them. I will, and have, give back ten times more than they give me. Quality, not quantity. Like George Carlin said about fucking women. “I’ve never had a 10 before. But one night, I had five TWOS”

Question 11: Pretty young, then. Careful there, if you have to explain your joke to them, then they’re not your demographic. I think Louis CK explains it best when referring to someone as a “faggot,” he doesn’t mean a gay man of course. He means someone that’s acting “faggy.” Please see the video below for more. So, have you always wanted to be an author?

Aaaanyway, yeah, I’ve always wanted to tell stories
More precisely I’ve always wanted to provoke, offend, disturb and make people sick – either with laughter or repulsion. So, that pretty much sums up my stuff… no matter what the forum. I prefer writing novels because it’s just me and I don’t have to answer to anyone. If you ever read The Nurse, Kyle, you’ll see what I mean about not having to answer to anyone. I can’t imagine for a moment that any trad pub would touch it. I am making sound like it’s nasty for nasty’s sake, which isn’t strictly true. I always offset any ugly nastiness with fucking hilarity. So, you know, every cloud.
Question 12: Being your own boss is probably the biggest perk of the job. Aside from being cocooned away from everyone, but they sort of go hand in hand. Have you done any public signings? If so, what was the response? Do you have a devoted core fan base? I imagine if so, you probably have a team of people that wish you were dead.

I only started this thing 6 months ago, and really, I only started publicising my stuff about six weeks ago. No public signings as yet – although I’ve signed stuff for people and posted it to them.

Any threats I get are usually online by some keyboard miscarriage who thinks they’re funnier than me (they’re not. No-one is funnier than me!) I’m starting to see the germ of a dedicated fan base now, though. 

But, this isn’t the only series I have. My next series is an going colelction of short horror stories, x10 per volume, called Pure Dark

And if anything is going to get me killed, it’ll be that. Although once The Artist gets out into the wider world, I fully expected a Salman Rushdie-type Jihad to be paced on my head. 

That’s In Their Shoes Book IV, inc case you were wondering. Fuck me, typos galore tonight. Must be the drugs.
Question 13: Gotcha. You just haven’t given people enough time to hate you, yet. Don’t worry, they’ll come for you. I’ve already had to fend off several rounds of sensitive pussies in this community. They’re only brave in packs. They work themselves into a frenzy like all SJWs, but they are pretty easy to diffuse by pissing them off so badly that they just up and “quit the internet.” Anyway, what’s your favorite book you’ve written?
I’m fully expecting that to happen at some point. I can’t wait for it, because I have a World Trade Centre-sized backhanded fucking bitchslap with their shitty, millenial-sounding name written on it

My favourite of all my books is my latest, upcoming release The Nurse. It’s my fifth book, and I’ve come such a long way in every respect since the first, The Teacher. 

Don’t get me wrong, The Teacher is fucking awesome – I’m talking mainly about my own standards. The Nurse is, if I may say so myself, the most perfect gross-out, satirical farce I’ve ever seen
politically adrift, morally inept, witty, warm, bounces between hilarity and horror, it’s a real meld of everything. It’s THE book I would buy if it was available. Unfortunately it didn’t exist, so I had to write it.
But I will be able to buy it from Thursday March 30th from all good leading online retailers that start with an “A”
Question 14: I’ll be on the lookout for the headlines “British man facing five years in prison over bitch slapping a non-binary creature simply known as “Jayzen” in what’s being called a hate crime.” Do you ever plan to make a trip over to this side of the pond, or are you waiting for the shitstorm that is our presidency to blow over?

I worked in the Us for a while a good many years ago, and have been all over the states. I might go to a book convention in November in Las Vegas. I did all my traveling when I was younger, all over the world. One of the things I recommend everyone does, because then you get to find out what your home country is really like. But no immediate plans, no. I tend to travel to Asia more often these days.

Question 15: So you retired from hot 20 year olds and moved right up the ladder to Thai lady boys?

I think a more accurate description would be I moved from one stereotypical viewpoint of a subset of people to an even more boring stereotypical view of a much broader demographic. And anyway, ain’t nothing wrong ladyboys, transexuals and transgender. I’m all for LGBTQASMHFUPOC. Totally. I’m the most liberal, free-speechy and all-encompassing person you could ever wish to meet. Kyle, this is just me getting started btw. Give it another six months, this’ll seem like fucking child’s play. I am going to crush this motherfucker. Motherfuckers be knowing me and my shit, one way or another 😉 I’ve barely started mate, this is just me in the footspa before diving into the pool.

Good, I’m glad you’re not against the LGBTQASMHFUPOC community. It’s going to make it that much easier to seduce you.

Want to see Andrew’s work? Maybe buy some of his books? Grab them here. Don’t be a pussy.

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