Bizarre Interviews with Kyle Perkins-Week 17.

By Kyle Perkins.

Today we have Nick Oefinger with us! (Sorry I’ve been away, I’ve been working on something cool that I plan to write about in the days to come.)

Question 1: So, who are you, and what do you write?

OH MY GOD I WASN’T READY. JESUS MAN. THE FUCK. Okay, my name is Nick. Some people know me as O. Lordy, Marty, or Simon, due to all of my catfishing. JESUS CHRIST. Fucking brats. Wait, what? Writing. Right. I write smut, dirty dirty low-quality smut, and sometimes I write the best sci-fi/horror… but I show no-one. 

If you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best.
Question 2: Righttttttttt. So, back to the low quality smut. What do you consider low quality? Are we talking the “Troma Films,” of smut?

I had to look them up, just now. *downloads everything* Honestly, I’m a little hard on myself, but it’s not exactly To Kill a Mockingbird either. I cater to some of my personal fetishes; I figure that, with the size of the world today, and how interconnected it is, there’s a market for anything. Low-quality is comic book writing, without the comics: it’s the occasional dialogue consisting of an articulated scream, instead of describing someone’s reaction visually. My opinion, anyway. Lazy writing. I love lazy smut.

Question 3: How much of it is inspired by your real life encounters with the underbelly of the internet, and how much is pure fantasy?
As a teenager, I was obsessed with “seedy underbelly.” Kids do things that adults try to discourage them from, only to make it seem exotic and edgy. I had a good imagination; I’ve always been a writer, a role-player, a reader, a gamer. So I did a good job with some short stories as an inexperienced little shit, then met people on the internet, and got some experience in the real thing. I’ve been to a couple of conventions, fetish/alt-lifestyle stuff, made a few friends there who came along with me. In terms of the extremes to which the writing goes? Call it 50/50. I’ve *done* most of the things described, but typically not to the same level of intensity or duration.
That was always my thing. I didn’t drink, smoke, or do drugs. The sex was crazy when it happened, but I wasn’t banging three girls in the band room closet and having a snack, then talking smack on band and getting them to agree with me because the sex was so good. Y’know, like you. In my fantasy. NM.
Question 4: Are any of the characters in your book based on real people?
Typically, no — not exactly. They’re based on previous characters. I might alter them to the point where they’re unrecognizable, but they’re usually fiction, and usually derived off of my own creations in the past. I’m a big believer in characters taking on a life of their own, some aspects of their own personality; I think more like them when I’m writing from their perspective. So, I want to write a story set in a derelict military installation… “This sounds like something Vancouver would be well-suited to, but I need a new name… make her a little more cautious, and maybe drop that distinctive hair color.”
On occasion, I will take a quirk of a friend’s personality, or a fictional character from another source, and base something loosely on them… just a single trait, or quirky response to a situation, something like that.
Question 5: Well, now that I know that some of your stories are based on real life, I want to know the creepiest, or most deviant thing you’ve done in the past.
No you don’t.
Question 6: Oh, yes we do. Bizarre is in the title of these interviews for a reason. People want to live vicariously through the strange fringes of the world.
I participated in a staged kidnapping for a friend with a fantasy.
That’d probably be the “most deviant” thing, right there. People tend to frown on that.
A staged rape was part of it. Should probably have mentioned that right off. No, I didn’t do the rape, that’s kind of the point.
Question 7: I don’t frown on it. If anything, I have a semi now. Was it like a CL random encounter sort of thing?
For a *very* brief period of time, I was active in an alt lifestyle scene to the point where it was hard to conceal that I had weird pastimes. So I took my usual route of “not trying” (hence the lack of a pseudonym when I write) and I was pretty open about it. You know some of what I’m into; I enjoy feet. I like tying women up, and tickling them. I’m into some milder forms of more hardcore S&M; I like gags, blindfolds, begging. So, friends would sometimes ask me questions.
There was this one couple that I’d done a few mild, minor things with.
She had a rape fantasy. He was about as interested as you are right now (big boy) in doing something with that, but wasn’t sure what to do. Now, bear in mind… I never did anything like this before. I’ve not done it since. I didn’t read a book on how it’s done, lol.
I met with them. On previous occasions, we’d done things like tying her up, stripping her, a lot of teasing… I don’t do sex with other guys involved, but foreplay can happen. They knew that. So, she was in on it from the start; basically, we arranged for something to happen “over the course of the next few days,” then he secretly passed me her schedule.
Trying to keep this short… er… shorter… it was weirdly easy. You’d think there would be a mental hangup, maybe there should’ve been. BF and I put stocking masks on, we looked retarded. We grabbed her in a parking lot while he was supposed to be at work. Shoved her into the back of a van. She was grinning, the whole time; shit, it was obviously us, right? But here’s the thing: she knew my hangup about no sex with other dudes, and wasn’t expecting it to go that far.
So a bunch of stuff happened; she was blindfolded. Took her back to her own house, her own bedroom. It was mostly me, and *all* me talking-wise, until about an hour in when I quietly switched places with him. She freaked out; he fucked her. She thought it was me. I couldn’t figure out how else to engage a rape fantasy, at the time.
But she was screaming at one point; not exactly “help” but definitely along the lines of “oh my God, I can’t believe this is happening,” and not in the Disney World way.
Question 8: Okay, I have to know about the feet thing. Seriously, what’s that about? What gets a person turned on when looking at a foot?

Feet are weird. Like, all over the world. Weird. They’re important; we need them to get around. They’re shapely, they’re sensitive, and people obsessively keep them clean. Women decorate them, paint their nails, get them professionally tended to… but show me another body part that generates as much disgust when someone actually focuses on it. Crazy. Your average dude will plug an asshole with four seconds’ notice. I like the way a woman reacts to her feet being touched, stimulated. I’ve met women who “hated feet” who were willing to try it, who wound up getting off on *just* that. Nerves go right up past the genitals, and people have no idea.

Question 9: That was all very enlightening. Are you planning any solo projects? Not like plugging assholes, but books?
Yes, I have several in the works simultaneously on an as-I’m-able basis. Working full-time as a copywriter and content writer at the same time; I often get sick of writing by the end of the day.
But I’ve got a science fiction short story trilogy that I’m transforming into a serial work, and I’m trying to develop something Lovecraftian, my own take on the mythos.
Question 10: Do you have any hobbies that wouldn’t get you arrested if a cop walked up and wasn’t in on it?

Role-playing games, of the tabletop and video-game variety… at least, hopefully. People are generally shocked at how clean and vanilla my games are. They expect demons raping virgins, and here I am with “you need to get the knight’s sword back from the Orc tribe.” Also amateur astronomy.

Question 11: That comet last night was such a let down. The eclipse was okay, but I am never super stoked about penumbral eclipses.  I have a set of high powered binoculars for those occasions, and those occasions only. Trust me. Anyway, so how have you liked your short stint as an indie author so far? Is it everything you hoped?
No, lol. I’m glad I put the book out there. I wasn’t expecting a phenomenal response. I was expecting disappointment, and I was still disappointed. But, it was a learning experience, and like I said, glad I went through it. I learned a lot — about writing, publishing, working with people in the “industry” (indie really is an industry unto itself, honestly) and co-writing.
Question 12: Yeah, it’s nothing but grinding. All day long, and not the fun kind of grinding. That’s just to even get someone to give the slightest shit that you exist. It’s a rough market, unless you pretend to be someone else with ripped abs apparently. That shit is like cat nip. Do you plan to have a bigger presence this year?
I just sunk a fair amount of money that I didn’t have into a website, and what I’m worried about right now is mostly how to cover what I want to cover without making the site too broad. The plan for this year is to focus on my content and copy writing, and hopefully finish a couple of short works. I like the serialized fiction format; I don’t need hundreds of pages before putting something out there. That can sometimes overwhelm.
Question 13: Well, if you ever need help with your site, I can help.  I do that for a living after all. Partially. Though, I do a lot of things to make money, mostly non sexual. Do you have any advice you would give budding authors, or RPers thinking of diving into the industry?

Get yourself out there. Are you in an archaeology group that has a lot of members? Throw your rough and tumble first drafts up in that group. They’re just social media; don’t give a fuck. You need that one person who will want to see more, not the five thousand who go “LOL WTF FGT BRONY BITCH COCKSCUCKING CUNT-ASS PENCIL-DICK MOTHERFUCKER this is an archaeology group, please post that elsewhere.” Fuck them. You want the one person who says “hey, that’s interesting” and then follows your page. 

Just realize that I’m likely to be one of that 5,000.
Question 14: If you weren’t writing, what would you be doing? Did you aspire to be something else and settle for this, or was it your dream to write?
I didn’t get a lot of moral support growing up. People tried, but what I generally got was “oh, don’t do that, it’s so hard, so many people fail,” from one end and “you can do anything! You could become a fireman, or a writer, or an astronomer, or a star, or a television set if you wanted!” from the other. No middle-ground. It hit a point where I wasn’t sure if I wanted to be something, myself, or if it was just a phase. Writing was very, very early… I’ve written since I was a little kid. Other early dreams were astronaut, astronomer, and cheesemaker.
Question 15: Be honest. You did butt stuff with that dude in the rape van.
I don’t do butt stuff. Period. Some of the same things that undoubtedly shaped who I am leave me very resistant to the idea. I split with a girl once because she was *willing* to do anal. I can’t stand the thought of it.
Want to see more from Nick? Check out his debut release!

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